Codepency from Both Sides of the Fence

The following is a response to a letter I received from a new friend concerned about dealing with her fiance's mental illness (Bi-Polar). This brought up some thoughts about codependency and Alanon which I wanted to share in my Blog.


Dear ______,

I never thought I had codependency issues, until my own son was having trouble and I was obsessed trying to help solve HIS problems. Obsessed, in that I could not stop thinking, worrying or talking about him. It was NOT acceptable to allow these problems to be happening in HIS life, yet the harsh reality was that it was HIS life and HIS problems.

I also learned that the more I tried to help, the more I allowed him to stay sick, actually enabling him to be sick a little longer. This is the hardest part ... not beating yourself up for realizing that you were actually part of the problem and held him back from HIS own recovery. I fight the guilt all the time, even with the total understanding that I was simply doing the best I could at the time. I know better now. Does it make it any easier - NO.

As I write to you, my stomach is just sick with worry about him, my 21 year old son, who is facing some real issues - having just dropped his last class in college, lost his girlfriend, scared to death of the world and has started drinking to self medicate his pain away. I have SO been there. From the support of many other people that have 'been there' I now understand what I need to do, or better said - not do.

I can be there for him. I can love him. I can assist him, IF he wants to work with the solution and try more approaches for HIS recovery. I can set healthy boundaries for myself. As I withdraw, with love, he sees that if there is going to be relief from his situation, HE is going to have to take the necessay steps - HE has to initiate the action. If he said, "Dad, I need help," and was willing to do the work, I'd get in the car and be there the next day to take him to an AA meeting. I can help him to help himself, but I can't, I won't be the object of his dysfuctional decisions and sick reactions to his disease.

My girlfriend, thank God, is a fellow Bi-Polar II club member. When I first met her, for 6 months, she politely listened to my woes as I suffered (genuinelly suffered) from depression and mania. She was sympathetic and supportive. She was a great listener. She shared openly about her disease and more importantly, her own recovery. She was the only light in a very dark tunnel for me. One day, that light went out.

After 6 months of listening to me describe my never-ending pain, she had had enough, and told me so, not in an angry way, more like an assertive confidant way. She told me that she didn't want to hear another word about my disease, but would listen forever about my recovery. She told me that there were many things I could do FOR myself, if I wanted to. She suggested, as she had on numerous occasions, nutrition, diet, excerize, counseling and working with different meds and docs, if necessary.

I was only taking my meds. I was stuck. I didn't realize it at the moment, but she was UN-sticking me at that very moment.

At first, I felt anandoned, scared and very alone. The pain got worse as I isolated even more. Eventually, since there was no one else to talk to about my condition, I realized that if anything was going to get better, I would have to step up to the plate and do SOMETHING? I wasn't sure, actually I knew exactly what I needed to do - all of the things she had suggested, BUT ... I was scared and I felt like I couldn't do anything to help myself. Depression can rob you of confidence and energy, but I had to try. I was dying.

It was definetely baby steps to start with, a handful of vitamins, a couple walks, a few glasses of water, a call to my Pdoc to talk about my meds and alternatives. Later, fueled by my own actions and the self-confidence that was building within, I added some more exercize, better nutrition, Omega 3 Oils, looking for a therapist and have even joined the local gym. I have learned that even though this disease is a life-threatening, powerful evil force that attacks me on all fronts; mind, body and spirit - it can be fought and recovery/remission is possible ... but it is hard work!

These days, feeling pretty good most of the time (and that can change dramatically from day to day), me and my girlfriend are very happy ... yet, she still won't listen to my crap for very long. This is good for me. This allows me to take control of my problems, my life and build self esteem and self confidence as I do.

One more word about Alanon ... it is possible that he might be threatened by your attending. I know I was when my ex wife started attending. I was always wondering what they were talking about - was she complaining about me? Was she getting strength and support to leave me? I watched, as she got stronger with more meetings, she was pulling away from babysitting me. This was threatening to me. But I learned the same lesson back then ... to help support me, but it was up to me to help myself.

She was dying - slowly dying and had had enough. I sure don't blame her. Her pulling away, helped me to finally hit bottom and get help, 25 years ago, into an alcohol treatment facility and decades of AA. I would, for many years afterward, take other hostages (relationships) to fill the role of babysitter. It is fairly common for addictive personalities to buddy up with codependent types - it's a perfect match (self absorbed addictive mess with a giving, loving, supportive codependent mate).

I have been on both sides of the fence now. This is why I so strongly recommend Alanon, for the addict and the mate/friend/family member.

I would also suggest that you try a few different Alanon meetings till you find one that fits. Some are *** sessions, with angry complaining spouses, friends or family. Most are not, but if you wind up at one where it is all negative - it can drive you away. I'd suggest you do that - drive away until you find one of the many wonderful, supportive groups. Keep looking till you find the right one. You'll know when you find them.

Hope this was helpful.

God Bless Us All.

Louie (uswalker) http://rochonsculpture.artspan.com/mbr_bio.php

"Blowing,' a letter to a friend

I received an email from a new friend from the Bi-Polar Disorder support site that I belong to. She does not suffer from Bi-Polar (manic depression) but her fiance does and she is desperate to try and find some solutions to a dysfunctional relationship. My response revealed some insights for me, so thought I'd cut and paste this exchange into my blog ... here it is ...

Dear ______,

Thought I'd respond to your email on this site as a post so that it may trigger other responses, as well. I have included (in italics) the highlights of your email, followed by my thoughts. Hope this helps...

… my fiance is bipolar and so is his teenage daughter. I love them both
dearly, but they fight constantly, and sometimes living with them is like living
in a black hole, if that makes sense ... It's not all bad, but when it's bad
it's really bad. I come from a history of abusive relationships and I think I
suffer from PTSD along with my depression and anxiety. I want to make it "all
better". I make sure everything is in its place when he comes home, and stay out
of their fights, but I just never know what to expect.

I don't know if this question is appropriate or not, but when you
are in one of your episodes (for lack of a better word), is there anything that
anyone can do to pull you up and ease the pain? I would do anything for this
man, but some days I can't do anything right. I don't want to give up on him,
and do my best to lift him up, but I fear my best isn't good enough.

He gets in a terrible rage, and just seems so angry it scares me.
Sometimes it's over nothing, and sometimes his daughter will trigger him. The
rage lasts a few hours, sometimes longer, followed by a depression that can last
days. During these episodes he will often tell me that he is better off alone,
and that our relationship will never work out. Other times he loves me, and I
can see that he does, but ...

He has tried many medications, and is taking risperdal now. He
recognizes he has a problem, but feels helpless to fight it ...

Your honest opinion would mean the world to me, because like any
affliction, only one who has been there knows.

Dear ____, please remember that I am not a trained professional and all that I can share is my own personal experience, strength and hope. That said, I will honesty share with you, to the best of my ability, what it was like for me and why(from what I have learned so far).

The rage! My daily routine, for many, many years was to wake up with absolute dread, followed by fear, fear of how I would make it through the day, to hide my depression, my insanity, my 'terminal uniqueness' from the world. This would fill me with a high level of anxiety which would stay with me all day, like I was running full speed on a treadmill that I couldn't get off. This walking lie, this false life took an incredible amount of energy to maintain.

By the time I got home, to a place where I felt safe ... (unfortunately, that was around the one's that loved me most) ... not able to maintain 'the lie' for one more second, I would relax my guard, my facade, and I'd BLOW at the very first opportunity and if there wasn't one offered to me, I'd make one happen. The excuses for my "Self Justified Emotional Explosions" could be anything from the laundry not being folded right, to dinner not being ready ... all insignificant things, yet offering an ignition source.

To try and explain the inner firestorm that went on in my brain ... imagine that you had a really bad, itchy rash all over your body and no matter what you did, it tormented you. You could get through your day, even though it was terribly uncomfortable, but it wore you out, utterly and completely wore you out. The first chance you got when you got home, away from society, you would scream!

Blowing is screaming, as unfair as it is, it is screaming in pain to try and feel better, and there is never any relief. This is the truly maddening part - the lack of hope, when faith and hope is gone, this creates hell locked within your mind, a pressure cooker with no way out, just endless mental torture. Yes, there is a lot of pressure to 'Blow Out' and if you are there, it is not pleasant and there is no way of figuring out when we will blow or how hard. There is nothing you can do to avoid it or lessen the probability or severity of the 'Blow Out.'

'Blowing' was an excuse for me to let out my frustration, raging at my fear of not knowing whether I was going to be able to maintain sanity and function in the world. This was, perhaps, one of my greatest fears ... the idea that one day I would just crumple up into a ball of emotional goo, staring at a wall and they will come and put me away. Terrifying, especially at times when you are so close to that edge that the possibility becomes real, in your head.

'Blowing' was a way to try and purge the self hate for being 'mentally ill', (a label that made me feel embarrassed and humiliated), for not being able to 'buck up' and get better. I looked at myself as a miserable loser, weak and undeserving to live, pathetic, defective and utterly useless.

In my active sickness, I believed that others around me, that loved me, would be better off without me, yet I needed them. There was the conflict. One on hand I needed their love and support, yet on the other, I had such a terrible opinion of myself, filled with such self hate and disgust, that it made me feel even worse to 'use them' as I felt I had nothing to offer, only taking. This guilt turned into shame, yet I needed and genuinely loved them. My relationships turned into hostages rather than loving exchanges ... I had, I believed, nothing to offer, only suck from them and this made me feel even worse about myself. I could not love, it was everything I could do - to survive ... it all had to be about me!

I remember reading the relationship section in Scott Peck's book, 'A Road Less Traveled' that if the subconscious mind despises your self, then, even though there may be real love present, the sub conscious mind must win, providing self talk like "You are such a loser, a useless pathetic loser and you will always be that way," and "If you really loved her, you would cut her loose" and eventually "There must be something wrong with her if she wants to be with me, maybe it's time to dump her ass." The last was the eventual trick to justify ending the relationship, to end the guilt.

OK, this is how I felt and still do from time to time. What can you do about it? Nothing. The only thing you can do is take care of you! I would recommend a couple things ...

1. Read 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. This will give you an incredible strength to remain in the present (focusing on the pain free NOW as opposed to the constant fear based future). Especially the chapter 'From Addictive to Enlightened Relationships.'

2. Start attending 'ALANON' support groups. The only requirement for membership is that you know of 'someone' that may have a drinking problem. Read between the lines ... it's all the same, it's always all about YOU ... how do you function in a dysfunctional relationship, how do you stay strong, healthy and happy IN-SPITE of a dysfunctional partner, how do you provide strength and real support for a dysfunctional partner, and how do you set reasonable boundaries for yourself, your sanity and well being - even happiness in the face of a dysfunctional relationship.

When you take care of yourself, everything gets better. That old adage "You can't fix anyone but yourself" is true ... and I would suggest that you are as sick as he is ... this is normally the case ... as you have developed sick ways of dealing with life by reacting to your dysfunctional partner. In essence, you are part of the problem ... it's time you get strong, regain your power and by example, it may give strength and hope to the suffering partner. You may lead him, by your example, out of the darkness.

These are my thoughts. Hope they help.

Louie (uswalker)