It is one of those stories that can change your life, forever, igniting a spark of hope and offering up a powerfully effective yet simple technique. The story of the Good Dog has changed my life forever and as you will see, the lives of many others around the world.
The Story of how 'Daily Good Dog Feedings' Started.
Often, when I'm suffering from my mental illness, (Bi-Polar II), mania and depression, when hope fades into desperation, I pray, No, I plead with God to listen to hear me, to help relieve me of my suffering ... yet, I hear nothing but that maddeing silence.
This story is about how God answered my pleading prayer, not only giving me hope and strength but also giving me the idea of lighting a single candle that has already lit thousands of other's candles all over this planet, providing a little daily flicker of hope that others can light their own candles and find their way out of the dark.
Ok, back to the story ... sorry, I do get a bit manic when I write ...
About a year ago, I was undergoing a particularly bad bout of debilitating depression, hiding it from those around me, as usual, while dying inside. I was at an alcohol support meeting when someone shared a simple story. My life has never been the same since then.
Funny how there are times, when you hear something that sticks, that becomes a permanent foundation on which you can rebuild your entire life. Perhaps I was at a place in my life that I was worn out and ready to listen. That day, God answered my pleading prayer, through one guy, that I had not seen before or since that meeting, one of my angels - there have been many!
Finally ... The Story that Changed My Life, Forever ...
ABOUT 'Daily Good Dog Feedings'
My friend asked him, "Which One Wins?"
My anonymous angel shared that story with me in January of 2007. At the time of hearing it, I thought, "Cool story, after 20 years around this place, it's amazing to hear something I've never heard before." That was it, just a simple story that I thought was pretty cool. I filed it into my brain with all the other clutter accumulated from 54 years of mostly useless thinking and went about trying to survive another day of my life.
That very next morning (mornings are the hardest time for my depression) I seemed to be especially aware of my thoughts. I watched as my mind instantly went towards fear, dread and self hate; it's as if I was watching myself watching myself and condemning myself.
My depression, especially when mixed with extreme mania at the same time, can cause me to feel disconnected, totally fragmented from my-self (whatever self is) and the rest of the world. That morning was especially harsh, feeling as I was hovering over myself, watching this pathetic human parasite in that dirty bathrobe smoking a cigarette and filled with hate and disgust and anguish of feeling so alone. I was angry at God for feeling like such a victim for having to endure this kind of pain. You get the picture ... it was a pretty typical morning for me.
Normally, it would take a full pot of coffee and a 1/2 pack of smokes before I could start making a meager plan for coping through the day. This was my life, trying to figure out how I could hide from everyone around me, for an entire day, pretending like I was normal, until I could close the door to my room, alone, put on my dirty bathrobe and finally, feel a sense of relief in closing off the world, until morning. And it would start over again.
Every single morning, day after painful day, it would start over again like a perverted mentally ill version of 'Groundhogs Day.' This was, my life. But this morning was a morning unlike any other morning I had ever experienced. This morning something would change my life forever ... back to the story ...
That January morning, slumped in a chair, sucking coffee and cigs in my dirty bathrobe, suddenly a thought, a clear thought (that's a novelty in and of itelf) came to mind. The story of the 'Good Dog vs. Bad Dog' popped into my foggy little mind as well as the words of Eckhart Tolle.
That's what God was telling me through my angel and his story of the Dog, and through my memories of the words of Tolle ... that I have the power of choice of how I feel. "Oh Sure I do," I thought, "Right!."
"OK," I thought, "I'll give this a try. Like what do I have to lose?" At first, trying to think of something positive when I had grown morbidly accustomed to the gloom and doom of endless years of depression, seemed impossible. Yet the concept of the Dog made so much sense to me. I had to reach for some hope. I was watching myself die.
I forced myself to make a mental 'Gratitude List,' something I had done over the years with success, when I remembered to do it. It was like trying to turn around the Titanic, after it had sunk, but I tried, God knows I tried to think of things that I was grateful for, yet I was filled with such self hate, fear, rage, and fragmented thinking, gratitudes just wouldn't come. After a few minutes of pointing my head in one direction with one pointed intention, I did manage to scribble down a few things I was grateful for. I was really surprised at how difficult it was. 'Normies' may not understand just what a dark tunnel vision you have when trying to be invisible and survive. It takes all of your concentration, a rare commodity in the first place.
Within minutes, I noticed that my depression was 'different' ... not as overwhelming, still there and very powerful, but not taking me over completely. I had managed to alter my mood, slightly, not nevertheless, changed for the better. My fellow BP's; please don't think I am minimizing this disease, that all we need do it 'think happy thoughts.' If it were that simple, there would be no mental illness. We would all be walking around, holding hands, singing, "La, La, La, La, La, oh what a beautiful day." I am saying, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that this technique, this forceful choice of mine, helped, a lot!
As the weeks went on, forcing myself to listen to the Good Dog and forcing myself to stay firmly planted in the present moment, as best I could, I was noticing a change, a BIG CHANGE in depression, on a more permanent basis. I was still getting help, medically, but I believe that this mental trick, this forcing my head to focus on something positive, worked and worked better and better each day.
Running out of positive thoughts and things to be grateful for, I started reading and researching to find life affirming quotes, poems and short stories, creating a large collection of quote books, poems, chronicling some of the greatest of thinkers in the history of mankind. Why reinvent what has already been figured out, through the ages. Why not learn something from those that have trudged before us, trying to figure out this thing, called life.
I started writing them down as I searched for positive 'Good Dog' reinforcement. Then I started emailing them to my son, who said he was having some depression. I would research and put together a daily email with a combination of quotes, short stories or poems and send them out with the title ... 'Daily Good Dog Feedings.'
Before long, word spread like wildfires, as people forwarded these 'Daily Good Dog Feedings' to their friends and family. As I am writing this to you today, there are thousands of people from all over the world that are receiving the Dog, which I affectionately call it today.
I am in contact with dozens of people, every day. I am making friends with people I have never met, yet feel a bond as strong as those of close friends, why ... because we understand each other. We are survivors and we are all in the same lifeboat together. We need to help each other, not to merely survive, but to get stronger and live, to recover from a disease that can be managed, if we choose to recover.
Anyway, I'm rambling cause I'm pretty manic today but hey, rather ramble on about something positive than hide in bed, beating myself up.
I have spent my entire life in this painfully lonely dark place; the insanity of mental illness. I'm done suffering! If I suffer now, it's my choice because today I have tools and I use them. I have my Good Dog choice, my doctor and medications as well as many other tools I can use if I CHOOSE to heal.
Today I choose life and today life is sweet, even though there are painful episodes from time to time. I know they will pass. Today, even the pain feels good as it reminds me that I'm alive. I'm not going back into hell. I've been there and it's not all that it's cracked up to be. Hope you decide to join me. Recovery is not for whimps!
God Bless Us All, We Deserve It.
Louie (uswalker) http://rochonsculpture.artspan.com/mbr_bio.php
NOTE: I am happy to share the 'Daily Good Dog Feeding' with anyone that wants it ... just email me at uswalker3@hotmail.com I am doing this for two reasons, first because this daily practice keeps me alive and secondly, because it feels really great to be able to help others. It's an awesome feeling that makes me feel useful, productive and finally finding meaning in life - helping others and getting out of myself.
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1 comment:
Thank you for so much positive energy. I come from a bipolar family and have a dear bipolar friend. I struggle w/ how to support them at times. They are both very smart and very good people but often stuff comes out of their mouths that triggers all my old pain body stuff and lately it's just hurt. I have talked to others about the challenges of befriending the mentally ill. Some seem to think it's not even possible. I don't feel that way. I do forget sometimes she's mentally ill and "give too much information" share too many of my challenges in short use her as a sound board and then re remember it is not good for her to have lean on her so. My mistake.
I have been able to for the most part not add to the grief by reacting to the arrogant comments but recently I had to ask one of them to stop it. Their bizarre fixation was on me was very uncomfortable. I love them both but they seem very deluded at times. Do you have any advice for when the focus is over fixated and rather know it allish? Saying hurtful things? It feels like sabotage. I've seen my friend push others away, those who couldn't deal w/ her. I am working on accepting & non resistance & allowing them their opinion. The relationship is changing tho as I cannot let them hurt me so there is a much less willingness on my part to share especially my sensitive stuff. I've been doing more loving kindness meditations which feel great.
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