"Awakenings"
For six months now, I have been incredibly blessesd, having experienced the precious gift of sanity, a reprieve from a life-long battle with depression and anxiety. I had never known what it fealt like to be able to start a day without suffering from paralyzing fear and the darkness of the soul - depression and mania, a condition finally diagnosed accurately as Bi-Polar II. For me, each day felt like a life and death battle, coping with depression and the opposite pole of mania (extreme anxiety and compulsive never ending thoughts racing through my head). Trapped inside a mind that seemed hell-bent on destroying me, mental illness wore me down ever so slowly, one sick thought at a time, robbing me of hope and eventually the will to live.
As far as I was concerned, this gift of sanity was nothing less than a miracle. I had never, in my life, experienced such freedom. Each morning was a fresh beginning filled with endless possibilities. Hope had returned and I was filled with immense gratitude. Inspiration and even more importantly, desire, returned as my mind was filled with ideas for new art works and books to write, projects upon projects of things I actually wanted to do. I identified with a character in a movie I'd seen, 'Awakenings' - whereas a comotose patient (Robert De Niro) miraculously came alive, after 40 years in a coma, after being given an experimental drug. He was like a kid in a candy factory - so excited about being alive, literally experiencing life for the first time. The patient had been a young boy when he became sick and fell into a coma. I too, was a young boy when I first started suffering from depression.
I got busy creating a new life for myself, all the while stuffing hidden fears that this was too good to be true, and that the darkness would return all to similar to the true story depicted in 'Awakenings' when the patient eventually fell back into a full coma when the new experimental drug stopped working. My greatest fears had been realized. The darkness has returned. There is a kind of madness that overtakes you when you watch yourself falling back into a cold darkness, knowing full well where you are going, yet being unable to stop it. This is where anger and rage boil over, all to no avail.
Evil.
I cannot think of a more all inclusive word to describe depression, specifically Bi-Polar depression. This disease visciously attacks from the inside out, slowly destroying you in all ways; mind, body and spirit.
Depression, in and of itself, is bearable, for me. It can even be somewhat comforting as relief comes from self-imposed isolation, going deep within the darkest recesses of my mind. In the grips of depression, everything in life moves slowly ... thoughts, actions, even breathing. It actually hurts to breathe as if it requires a deliberate forced effort. Each day starts with a dark choking fog of fear, fear of making it through the day, avoiding contact with anyone that could threaten your delicate balance of sanity. By the end of the day, when I can safely hide, alone, I am usually totally exhausted, utterly spent from a day of lying, pretending that all is well to avoid the pain of well meaning prodding and an endless list of suggestions that only help to overwhelm an already overhelmed mind. Depression would be manageable, if it weren't for the mania, and mania is a whole different threat.
Mania, as described in the diagnosis of Bi-Polar II disorder, is completely different than what most people realize. Mania is extreme anxiety, restlessness, irritability, anger, rage, and the constant torment of compuslive obsessive thinking. Your mind, literally, cannot stop thinking, day or night - it just keep rapid firing without a break. With mania comes enough energy to make the depression, dangerous. Depression, in and of itself is somewhat manageable for me in that I can, most times, avoid people, creating a safe place in which to survive. Self-Imposed isolation helps with the illusion of controlling depression as well as reduces any potential guilt from 'polluting' those around me with worry and/or negativity.
"Think Happy Thoughts"
And there is always the shame ... even in this enlightened age, there is still a stigma associated with mental illness; it scares people. Because clinical bio-chemical depression and bi-polar depression is confused with situational depression (a condition most people experience) there is a tendency to judge those suffering as being weak, lacking willpower or being morally or emotionally deficient as if it were a defect of character. "Think Happy Thoughts," is a common suggestion from well meaning friends and family, assuming that if you would only 'buck-up' and work on changing the outside world by working on your 'issues,' then your depression would be all better. In regular depression, this may be true, but in severe bio-chemical depression, it makes little difference what is going on in your life, positive or negative. Traditional psycho therapy has a role in Bi-Polar depression, but it is definetely not the solution. All of life could be marching along right on cue, the sun could be shining and I could be crippled with depression and anxiety. Situations or events have little effect on this disease. They may help trigger an episode of depression or mania, but they are not the root cause.
A Long Walk Home
The title of the book that I intend to complete writing this winter is "A Long Walk Home," which at first glance would hint at a story about a two year, 5,200 mile walk across America that I completed in 1998. For years, many people had suggested that I write a book about this adventure. I simply could not! Why? The reason has only recently become known to me. I could not even consider writing this book because there was no ending to the story. Sure enough, I started the walk in Miami, walked two years and completed the walk in Seattle, as intended, but there was no ending, in my mind and I really didn't understand why.
Earlier this year, after an accurate diagnosis of Bi-Polar II and resulting medications, I experienced a miraculous reprieve from depression, resulting in some clarity of thought. It became clear to me that there could be a reason and purpose to write this book as well as a happy ending. This book, this adventure was not about the walk, it was about my journey through hell - my life's struggle with and eventual recovery from depression. Perhaps, if I write this book, there may be people that can identify with this disease, or any serious untreated yet treatable mental illness, and get some hope and inspiration from my struggles. I was gearing up and ready to sit down this Fall and start writing again, until I found myself face down in a pit of depression once again.
I had learned that treating this disease, like many mental ilnesses, can be a frustrating series of experiments - trying new medications in various doses and combinations. I had gotten lucky. The first drug I tried, worked almost instantanously in relieving depression. Not long afterwards, with depression vanished (for the first time in my life), I got to experience the other part of my condition, 'Mania,' and God did I ever experience it. Without the lull of depression to counter the effects of the mania, it felt as if I was naked and no where to to run, fully exposed and raw to the world. Mania, was much harder to deal with than depression. Who would of guessed? I was finding myself hoping for depression, to relieve the unbearable manic symptoms. Insane? Oh yeah ... Insane!
I crawled back into my doctors office pleading for some help with this mania and once again, was fortunate to start another drug, (Lithium), which soon afterwards, resulted in all symptoms of depression and mania to be eliminated - completely. Too good to be true, yet it was happening, I felt great and for months, I was alive again, or I should say, for the first time in my life.
After a follow up blood test in August of 07', it was decided that I would have to stop taking Lithium as it has increased some level of Creotin, an indicator that potential Liver problems could occur. I was devastated! How could they take away the only drug that had saved my life? This was unnaceptable, yet I had no choice. The next drug, over the next 6 weeks, had no effect and the mania was still a problem. Yesterday, I took my first dose of a new medication to replace the last replacement and I was was stoned out of my mind, that I could barely talk. This latest drug was from a new series of psycho active drugs that basically sedate. This, being an recovering alcoholic, will not accept as it couuld jeopardize my sobriety. I need a new plan.
I was ready to throw out the 200 pages that I had written this past winter as I believed there could be no value to anyone unless I had found the solution. I had managed to stay alove long enough to finally get an accurate diagnosis and proper medication, but it didn't work. I was a failure. Feeling discouraged, pathetic and useless, I was ready to quit, until this morning.
This morning, I realized that it's easy to talk about your story after all the loose ends are wrapped up neatly and there is a successful ending to the tale. Success is not about arriving at a particular destination, it is about having the courage to trudge, crawl if need be, towards a solution in the midst of pain and suffering. Even in the midst of depression and anguish, I can sense a glimmer of hope. I have been relieved of the bondage of depression and mania once, then it is possible again, but not if I quit trying.
The New Deal
Yesterday, it was all I could do to get through the day, feeling drugged and hungover from the first dose of a new medication, that I have since thrown away. Soon, as soon as I can think straight again and be calm enough to settle down, I intend to start researching all of the treatment options and medicines avaialable for Bi-Polar II. I will boil them down to the best 2 or 3 options, run them by my medical doc and then my psych doc and will systematically work through them until I find relief.
I do have hope. God has walked with me through a liftetime of hell and will not desert me now. I must do my part and I will keep crawling along. I didn't have the strength to do this, only a few years ago. I am grateful that I was shown, albeit a short window of opportunity, a glimpse of what life can be like without the chains and shackles of depression tying me down. I want my life back and I am willing to fight for it.
I intend to start writing on the book again, soon, inspite of depression or mania. I will wirte my story and whatever happens from that point, well, it's none of my business.
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