Sharing with a friend, my frustration, he suggested that I write the reasons why I feel blocked from writing. Here I am, writing.
I have worked very hard over the past few months, to get new medications to stabilize my emotional swings and for the most part, I feel pretty functional these days. I have even had the motivation to get started on two new art works, a definite sign that the symptoms of my manic depression have lifted. Nevertheless, sitting down and even opening the file to my book, seems impossible. I had always thought the reason was associated with my mental illness. I don't believe it is. This is something situational.
There is always a conversation going on in my head, sometimes quiet and subtle and often, relentless screaming. When thinking of working on the book, these inner thoughts are very quiet and so subtle, I hardly can recognize that they are there. They are there!
This morning, quieting my mind and allowing these inner words to flow through my fingers onto the computer, I hear ...
"What the F%+* do you have to say that
anyone could be interested in hearing.""Who to do you think you are to write a book anyway.""There are REAL problems and REAL suffering of people going on out there in the world and I am sick and tired of hearing your pathetic endless whining about your depression. Shut the F$*^& up and get a life."
Wow. That felt kind of good, in a sick kind of way. "What are your reasons for writing this book anyway?" just flashed into my mind. Let the thoughts flow ...
"For My SON! This is a record of the most significant effort of my life and I want to share this account with my boy, the most important person and purpose of my life."
"Personal Healing. It's been suggested by quite a few writers that the process of writing in and of itself, provides a healing through insights that may never have surfaced without closer examination."
"It has always felt like the walk is not finished. And I have always been tormented by this, arguing to myself, 'what more could I possibly do than walk through everything I endured staying true to my commitment. I did my job. I've done enough.' But have I done enough? Maybe I stopped short, thinking taking the last few steps of 5000+ miles of walking and a final press conference was the end. Maybe this is just the beginning?"
"What if the real value of the walk is not in the miles walked, the money raised, the millions of people that became more aware of pediatric AIDS but perhaps it is in the writing of a book that has the potential for reaching even more people with this story? Perhaps"
"Bullshit! This walk began as a desperate effort to find yourself - your basic mid life crisis and looking back, this walk was about trying to walk away from your real demons - depression."
"Well, maybe, just maybe that is the reason the walk has never felt completed. You started out looking for answers and you never found them, in fact by the time the walk ended, you were in worse shape that you were in the beginning - more lost and more depressed than ever!"
"But I have worked so damned hard, trying to survive, to live and find some measure of freedom from the demons of my mind, and I still don't feel healed. Without an 'ending' to the story, why write the book?"
"Ahhh, maybe we're getting somewhere ... 'the ending to the story' ... maybe there is no ending, maybe the ending will be a happy ending or not, maybe the ending will be discovered as a RESULT of writing the book. Ya think? Damn!"
"If I can draw on the type of reckless courage and blind determination that I summoned each day out on the road, just to get a few miles in, then MAYBE I can find that courage to sit my sorry ass down at my computer and tell my story."
"And maybe, just maybe, I might help give someone else that is struggling with mental illness, a glimmer of hope and inspiration. If nothing else, someone like myself reading this book might not feel so desperately alone and freakish."
"OK, I will tray again. This is my first try. God help me, if it be Your will for me, empower me to do Your will.
Whew. That was helpful. Thanks Eric for suggesting this exercise. I feel renewed with a fresh energy. I intend to start writing again, soon.
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