One Woman's Journey Through Hell - Depression.

I receive a lot of emails from people regarding mental health issues. Most of them come from friends and family of those affected with mental health issues. Many people just don't understand why their friend/family member don't want to help themselves. I try and share with them, through some of my blogs, occasional stories that may offer a glimpse into the lives of those that are struggling to survive.

I get many personal stories from people describing incredible suffering from mental illness - individual accounts of good people that are sick, trudging a path through hell, trying to survive. This particular story, to me, personafies this 'fight for life' that millions of people silently deal with, hiding from the misunderstanding and shame that is still quite prevalent in society today.

My friend agreed to let me share her story as long I change names. I offer to you, my new friend's story and my response to her letter.

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Thank you Louie, for adding me to Good Dog Feedings. I discovered you by accident, or perhaps I was led there, on Everydayhealth.com. I wanted to start journaling what I was eating to see if I saw a connection with my emotions. And I immediately discovered the discussion groups for Bipolar.

I was only diagnosed two years ago after telling everyone what was wrong with me for 8 years. It started with horrible panic attacks in the middle of the night at the height of my career at a French Bank (I lived in Paris for about 5 years). It became so bad that I quit my job, sold my house, and moved to the beach because I thought reducing stress would help. Well it didn't, but I still didn't know what it was.

Then I met the love of my life, xxxxx, who took lithium everyday and led a normal life. He saw the signs in me right away, and he shared with me how he was in a mental hospital for a year and had shock treatments. It scared me to think I had the same thing. DENIAL

Then, four years ago, xxxxx died very suddenly of a massive heart attack, and boy did things ever start crashing for me!!! Two weeks after his funeral, I was at home alone, and I got drunk, fell down the stairs and broke 2 vertebra in my back. 6 months in a body cast, couldn't work, couldn't drive, no more money after all of xxxxx's and then my hospital expenses. Well, I tried to commit suicide, and ended up in the hospital for 3 days. They still were just telling me I was depressed which seemed justified after losing xxxxx. Two years later, I thought suicide was the only solution AGAIN. But just ended back up in the hospital. But finally, they took me seriously and tried lithium on me.

Wow, things really got better, and all my friends were amazed.

Now, guess what I've done... yep, classic, I know... I stopped taking my meds. And in the last four months, I've successfully alienated the few friends I had left and lost 2 jobs.

HOWEVER, I'm now aware I need those meds, and I went to the clinic yesterday to get back on. It'll be Sept. 3 before I get to see the doctor, and the days are agozing right now. The panic attacks have returned which I really have a hard time with. I live alone, no family, only 2 friends who don't live in town. Not a good scenario for me.

So, to finish this LONG story, I'm grateful to be receiving your Good Dog communication because I need it right now.

Thanks for listening,
Xxxxxx
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My response ...

Dear Xxxxx,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I totally understand you. It takes someone who has walked through hell to understand hell ... I've been there, only the details are different.

I admire your will to live ... your strength and courage. You are probably not feeling that way about yourself right now. That is why it's often helpful to get a fresh perspective of yourself. You see, without a will to live, to want to feel alive again, you would not have gone to that site, or read the BiPolar postings or eventually been led to a new friend that you will probably never meet but understands you completely. Nahhh, probably just a coincidence. Just kidding, lighten up.

I'm not sure if you've read my details (see Bio link below) and I write a lot about my BP disorder in blogs (see link below). This writing, as well as the Daily Good Dog Feeding helps put me in touch with many people from all over the world, like yourself. This is part of the healing for me. I have learned that cannot be stuck in me and be trying to help another, at the same time. Can't do it!

I write a lot, because it purges the poison in my head and heart. I do 'The Dog' because it replaces that void with positive thoughts which always lead to positive emotions, that without intentional efforts, would leave me in the emotional gutter.

My disease wants me dead. I take this assault very personal as my disease attacks me on all fronts ... mind, body and spirit. Over the past three years, since my last suicidal moment, I've adopted many new techniques - found a good psych doc, supplements (including high doses of Omega 3 Oils and Vitamin C), talk therapy, and working out a little.

Three years ago, I could barely function - I mean BARELY climb out of bed, brush my teeth, etc. I was obsessed with thoughts about dying. I didn't really want to die - I was just so scared and hurting and desperately wanted the pain to end ... it was if I was on fire, running around trying to find something to put out the flames. That 'something' included all the usual emotional fire retardants (food, sex, sugar, alcohol, drugs, relationships/hostages, shopping, working, geographic moves, etc.).

God I wish I could tell you that I found relief overnight - it didn't, but IT DID, eventually. It started getting better that dark night, the minute I hit my knees and pleaded with the God of My Misunderstanding. One thing after another started happening - Good Dog being one of the first miracles with many others to follow. Slowly but surely, I started to feel better. I don't want to give you the wrong idea - I do not walk around in this white light bliss, not even close! I do, however, for the most part, feel pretty damned good about myself. The incredible depression and debilitating anxiety and depression have lifted. It takes work, every day, but please believe me when I tell you - there is hope.

You can feel good again. There are many people out there, like the site you found me on at Everyday Health.com/BiPolar Support Forum ... http://www.everydayhealth.com/cs/forums/44/ShowForum.aspx ... that have some really great people that are pretty consistent in showing up; loving, understanding people that know what you are feeling and are willing to be there for you and you can be there for them.

You need not be alone anymore, starting right now. You now have a new friend in me. I will reach out to you, every day, 7 days a week, with a new Daily Good Dog Feeding. Watch for me in your in-basket as I'll be there for for you, in word and spirit. Don't EVER give up on yourself. You will find peace and happiness again and then I hope, you will Pay it Forward. Only in Giving it Away, can you keep it. You can start that right NOW ... you can go to that site and lay out your heart and just watch what happens - get involved in your recovery - when someone else reaches out, be there for them and soon, you will be writing to me again, telling me how you are a new person. I KNOW this will happen for you, if you are willing to take that first step.

I would also recommend that you check out 'Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle - this book literally saved my life, a few times.

Bye for now. Your fellow Good Dog Seeker,

Louie Rochon