Gratitude for Life - Escape from Insanity.

I am so grateful that this last stand, this last attempt at trying, doubting any possibility of real change, is paying off in spades - a new life, a new pair of glasses, HOPE ... for the first time in decades ... smile on my face and a calmness. Balance, the dreaded 'B' word is creeping back into my life, slowly but surely.

These days, it's not about coping, clawing my way through hell each day, fighting for each second to simply breath in and out, watching the seconds crawl by until that sacred inner sanctuary time - after 8:00 pm, when I could socially acceptably slither back into my cave and relax, basking in the comfort and sick safety of my aloneness - my self imprisoned retreat, and not have to do the excruciatingly hard work of pretending to the world, that I am OK, so that I don't call attention to my inner suffering, always fearful that someone, well intentioned or not, would add even more pressure to an already impossibly explosive pressure situation, threatening to add that last straw that would plunge me into the very depths of hell - insanity, a world where my greatest fears would envelope me, choking the last breath out of me, allowing the inevitable result of the last gasp of hope - gone, resigning all that is and was me. Insanity - my greatest fear.

This climb out of darkness, this reprieve from mental illness, is nothing short of a miracle, for me. I look back, even a few months and can hardly believe what I am reading. Who was this person, bleeding words onto those pages, purging his soul of that heavy, dark, cold and hopeless state of mind, body and spirit? My God, it was me. It is me. It is a chapter in a long life of inner suffering that is every bit a part of who I am, now.

Looking back, as painful as it is, clearly shows me that this suffering was a critical element in the transmutation of the person I have become. I am a more compassionate, loving, accepting and non-judgmental person. Gratitude is my prevalent mood, and how could it be anything else, rescued from a world a endless emotional pain and suffering - insanity itself.

The greatest gift of all - Life itself. Born again, or perhaps better said 'Born' ... period!

Journaling these thoughts in my daily entries, I have decided, after re-reading these last few paragraphs, that I will cut and paste this into a new blog, to share with my world, the world, and perhaps further good can come from my pain.

This writing, this daily 'good dog' and the blog is a form of healing, for me. It is a way of reaching out, being more transparent and allowing the love of people that have always been there, to experience the real me.

This is very much a part of my recovery - showing up and being seen after a lifetime of hiding and pretending to be someone I wasn't. Never intentional hiding, but from a deep foundation of never ending fear, that I was less than, worth-less and was doomed to be that way for the rest of my pathetic life.

I am not bitter or resentful to God that it has taken me 53 years of suffering to finally breathe in the beauty of life - I am eternally grateful that I have been given this gift of life itself. These days, my days are months. I savor each second of this new life, perhaps as a man deserted on a lonely far away island would after a lifetime of isolation.

I am alive today. Thank you God.