I was touched, recently, by a blog that a fellow artist had posted on an art site that I frequent. I wrote him a response and since it was somewhat revealing as to my new-found passions resulting in starting to write my new book "A Long Walk Home,' ... thought I would blog it to my site. The following is my response.
Hello Paul,
Having suffered severe depression all of my life as well, and similar history of being a writer and sculptor, I can relate to your life-long struggle with depression.
Ten years ago, primarily caused by an especially debilitating bout of depression and corresponding anxiety and desperation, I had decided I needed to figure things out. I took 3 years and did a 5200 mile solo cross country walk (from Miami to Seattle, via San Diego) to benefit pediatric AIDS, but primarily to see if I could break through the depression. I did not. It was, by far, the most rewarding and challenging experience of my life, but I ended the walk in even worse shape than when I started.
It has taken 10 years from the time I started the walk, to start on the book about the walk "A Long Walk Home". Many people have been hounding me, for years now, to write this book. I could not! Why? You may understand. There was no ending. Sure I walked those last few miles up to the base of the Space Needle, surrounded by incredible media, friends, supporters and family, all hailing this success. For me, it was not finished and I had definitely not found what I was looking for. In fact, I could not even realize what I was looking for until a couple months ago.
I was looking for a way of ending the relentless mental pain and suffering. Now, after 50 years of suffering and a great deal of loss surrounding this suffering (alcohol and drug self medicating, workaholism (up and down resulting in two fortunes and two total losses including a very large bankruptcy, many serious health conditions (including over 6 stents for my heart) all of which I am convinced, looking back, were subconscious suicide attempts. I have even had a few conscious suicide considerations - not actual attempts, but for many years, obsessed with thoughts of death, as a way out of the relentless suffering.
Today, unlike any other period of my life, I have found relief through a new diagnosis and treatment and feel, well, born-again would be far too shallow a description, yet I think you will understand. This help came after decades of trying and many times, giving up with little hope in-between. I was lost for so many years.
This last time that I reached out, I had gotten to the point that if 'This' didn't work,' I was seriously considering finding a way that would be a 'socially acceptable' means of checking out. Car accident, etc. I am not a suicidal-type person. Mostly I am an optimist, but again, you will understand what the torture of decades of mental suffering can do to a person. Every man has a limit. I was at my limit.
Like I said, today I could not be more grateful. Today I am free. I am alive, for the first time in 40 years. I am writing again and have many ideas for new sculptural works. This, if you knew me, would amaze you - this is nothing short of a miracle, for me. I never thought it would be possible to regain passion and purpose again.
Today, I can't wait to jump out of bed and get my day started. Again - this is an incredible Miracle for me! I am so glad that I didn't give up totally and had one grain more of hope in which to try, one more time.
God was with me all those years and now, He has delivered me. I am not a religious man, but believe me, I am NOW a every spiritual and grateful man.
If interested, you can read more about my life-long struggles and accomplishments in the BIO-Blog section of my art web site. http://www.rochonsculpture.artspan.com/mbr_bio.php
I wish for you only continued success and pray that you find relief for your depression.
Louie Rochon
I guess it takes what it takes to grow up. I'm a little slower than some - OK, a lot slower (56 at the time of this writing) and may only be around 18 emotionally, but it's a good start. To be honest, I'm still not real keen on the idea of growing up, most days preferring to escape on grand adventures, in my head. And therin lies the difference - why Louie's finally growing up - today, these 'great escapes' are in my head and I'm not heading out the door with a backpack.This blog chronicles a lifetime of insanity, in the truest sense of the word - BiPolar disorder, manic depression it used to be called. I am an outspoken advocate for mental health, freely describing my experience, strength and hope with anyone that's interested.
Many of these blog posts are from people that have written to me, many suffering emotional distress. All of these writings come from the heart, most of which are raw and unedited. If you are of the overly sensitive disposition - you might want to steer clear.
If you really wannna have some fun ... check this out ... www.dailygooddog.com
I do hope you enjoy my rantings. This is therapy for me, and a journal that shows me that I am, in fact, maturing - proving at long last to ex-wives, that it is possible even though pigs don't fly.
Louie Rochon
Monday, March 19, 2007
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