Still riding the high of no highs and no lows - VERY strange sensation, just kind of going about doing your life - VERY strange! But I gotta say, I kind of like it. Never thought I would or could. I used to always compare people that just went about doing life in balance to mediocricy, condemning it for it's lack of passion and spark, when now looking back, seems like simply another means of coping, explaining away my lack of being able to live balanced, stuck in that hyper or dead state.
I really can't describe what it is I'm feeling - kind of like waking up yet not remembering what it was ever like to be awake before I fell asleep - I guess you could say it's more like being born again, with little memory of the first life. All I can do is go about living in it, one day at a time yet without the enormous handicap of anxiety and depression to cope with, as if a ten ton monkey just jumped off my back. It's like smiling at the world for the first few times after you have just had your braces taken off - a little scared, a little self conscious, feeling as if the whole world will notice that you are the new kid in the class and that they MUST all be staring but a harder look and you see, they don't even notice - which makes me think, how good I have become at pretending to blend in, as if I was apart of 'them'. More coping skills to mask a life snuffing illness.
A lot of world to rediscover. New feelings. New sensations and I mean - brand spanking new!
Perhaps it is this immediate contrast that is so difficult to adjust to - as if you were hidden in a cave for 50 years and you got used to this cave and almost suddenly - this bright light shines on you and you leave this cave, to find a entirely new world, a world that you physically resided in, yet weren't apart of, a world that makes no sense when considering old sensitivities. A world worth adjusting to.
Hard to trust what is real, and having faith that it may last - maybe, hope-fully. I can't imagine the horror of having to go back into that dark, choking hell, having tasted the fresh air of freedom. I can't imagine the horror. I can't. I won't. I will only move forward, one day at a time, the same way I have managed to survive 50 years, doing the best I can with what I have to work with and be grateful that today, I have been given the gift of life.
I've earned this gift - I've paid the price, for freedom, for life. I want to stay.
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