I received an email from a man, living somewhere in Europe, that had picked up my name in one of the sites that I post on for mental illness (there are four I routinely visit and post for my own sanity and support as well as to spread hope and inspiration to others). Thought I'd share some of this letter and my response. I get so many letters/emails from frustrated loving caring people that are desperate to find help for their loved ones with undiagnosed (or diagnosed, untreated) mental illness. I hope this provides some helpful suggestions. It's hard NOT to take it personally but you must take care of yourself first (addressed further on).
Dear Louie,
Thank you so much for your insights on your coping with bp2. (BiPolar II). The letter that you posted on a message board and your blog have been the most touching information I have ever found from a man having bipolar disorder. I will print it out and keep it with me so that it will remind me everytime I feel low in thinking about my friend who has bp.
I hope you are well despite the ups and downs but you seem to have an amazing positive attitude and a gift of touching many hearts with bringing your inner awareness.
Louie, may I ask you some advice?
I am struggling with my female friend who is 52 years old. We had an amazing time and liked each other so much. Then I noticed she went manic (bp2 hypomania) and after that crashed into depression. She cut me off completely and wrote to me that she wanted to stop and went into hiding, she confessed to me. I did mail her occasionaly with comforting words. And for her birthday I left her a present on her doorstep. Her reaction was furious with anger and told me to STOP contacting her. Her words were even threatening. She was probably in her worst state but I do know she goes to work everyday and has some anger problems there as well from what i heard.
...Is there anything you may suggest me doing like sending another email or perhaps letter? Should I bring the matter up? You write in your messages to not give up but I do not know what to do or if it it wise to contact cause he said no contact. As a bp what would you have liked from your friend to do or should I do nothing? I care for her and do not like it to be over although I am willing to let her go forever if that would be best. I find it hard not to take it personally.
Thank you Louie for your time reading this and I wish you peace and happiness.
Warm regards,
Mr. Anonymous
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Hello ________,
Lots of BIG issues here, and uncertainty. Where do we start? First of all, the obvious ... I am not a professional counselor. I AM however, a very experienced survivor of manic depression (BiPolar disorder, II). I'll give your concerns a shot ....
1. Is your friend self medicating? Alcohol or drugs?
2. I am very outspoken and transparent about my lifetime path of mental illness. I write extensively about it in my Blogs, BIO and postings on 4 mental illness sites. This helps my recovery and apparently helps others to find some relief and recovery from their disease as well. Please feel free to read some of the links below (BIO, then some BLOGS, if you'd like).
Some people have sent my BIO to their friends/family and it has resulted in them (the person suffering from the yet undiagnosed disease) to relate with my story. Sometimes this gives them self-permission to explore it more honestly for themselves, without the usual guilt and shame we feel about being 'defective, broken, dirty.'
I NOW know, of course, that we are not defective, lacking in moral or spiritual character, and that we have a disease, a treatable disease. I would suggest that this one aspect of mental illness, the stigma, holds more people back from getting help than anything else, maybe even guessing that it results in most suicides. I've so been there before, a number of times. I can't speak for others, but I can sure tell you that I felt ashamed and embarassed, not to mention feeling all of the symptoms of the disease itself - overwhelmed, dramatic up and down mood swings and horrendous depression. I had such tunnel vision, I felt like the only thing I could see in my world was what was directly in front of me, distorted through a long dark grey tunnel.
Isolating and self medicating were my solutions. I hung on to my dirty little secret for decades, using alcohol, food, drugs, cigarettes, workaholism, and the list goes on and on. It took a long time, a life time, before I could/would reach out for help. I had to 'reach bottom,' before I would have the strength to be direct enough and take the risks necessary for me to get help. I hit rock bottom, a number of times; hell, I used to bounce all over the bottom. Eventually, as you will read in my BIO, I found help, but even that road to recovery was filled with potholes and self constructed barriers. It takes what it takes, I guess.
All we can do is move forward from where we are right now. I am always willing to talk with someone that wants help. But it's important that whoever it is that wants help, comes to me. I don't ever want to violate a persons trust or space. I know, all to well, how critically important that space can be, for their perceived survival.
To self educate yourself, another site I would highly recommend, which is very good, is ...
Check it out. The doctor that mantains this site is an expert in BiPolar
disorders and doesn't talk down to you ... very informative.
Also, I write a daily inspirational emailing entitled "Daily Good Dog Feeding," and would be happy to add you to that daily mailing, if you'd like. Often, forwarding them to people like your friend is a friendly way of introducing me (my candid intimate story of mental illness) to them, without getting right into their face. Let me know, if you'd like me to add you to the list?
Email me directly and ask to be added to "Daily Good Dog Feedings."
One more thing ... I'd challenge you to look at YOUR intentions in all this. You had mentioned that it's hard NOT to take this personally. I think it's very important that you take care of yourself. I KNOW, for a fact, that it seemed like the people that were attracted to me, where the co-dependent type. I loved them. I needed them. They made it OK for me to be sick and stay sick ... and they would always be there for me, I thought. Wrong!
Eventually my subconscious mind, my mental illness disease would have to win out and end the relationship, push the other person out of my life for one of two reasons .... 1) because I had enough decency to end it because I cared about whoever it was and knew I would take them down and/or 2) I would lose respect for them; the old WC Fields quote, "I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member,' mentality.
I'd highly recommend 'Alanon' for YOU, to get the support you will need. It's a great program and is in everry country in the world. It helped me a great deal to help my own son with his alcohol addiction and depression. It helps you to detach with love and be stronger for them and yourself.
What else can you do? Pray. Ask the God of your understanding, for help. He will be there for you and your friend.
God Bless Us All.
Louie R (uswalker)
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