Dear ______,
Thought I'd respond to your email on this site as a post so that it may trigger other responses, as well. I have included (in italics) the highlights of your email, followed by my thoughts. Hope this helps...
… my fiance is bipolar and so is his teenage daughter. I love them both
dearly, but they fight constantly, and sometimes living with them is like living
in a black hole, if that makes sense ... It's not all bad, but when it's bad
it's really bad. I come from a history of abusive relationships and I think I
suffer from PTSD along with my depression and anxiety. I want to make it "all
better". I make sure everything is in its place when he comes home, and stay out
of their fights, but I just never know what to expect.
I don't know if this question is appropriate or not, but when you
are in one of your episodes (for lack of a better word), is there anything that
anyone can do to pull you up and ease the pain? I would do anything for this
man, but some days I can't do anything right. I don't want to give up on him,
and do my best to lift him up, but I fear my best isn't good enough.
He gets in a terrible rage, and just seems so angry it scares me.
Sometimes it's over nothing, and sometimes his daughter will trigger him. The
rage lasts a few hours, sometimes longer, followed by a depression that can last
days. During these episodes he will often tell me that he is better off alone,
and that our relationship will never work out. Other times he loves me, and I
can see that he does, but ...
He has tried many medications, and is taking risperdal now. He
recognizes he has a problem, but feels helpless to fight it ...
Your honest opinion would mean the world to me, because like any
affliction, only one who has been there knows.
Dear ____, please remember that I am not a trained professional and all that I can share is my own personal experience, strength and hope. That said, I will honesty share with you, to the best of my ability, what it was like for me and why(from what I have learned so far).
The rage! My daily routine, for many, many years was to wake up with absolute dread, followed by fear, fear of how I would make it through the day, to hide my depression, my insanity, my 'terminal uniqueness' from the world. This would fill me with a high level of anxiety which would stay with me all day, like I was running full speed on a treadmill that I couldn't get off. This walking lie, this false life took an incredible amount of energy to maintain.
By the time I got home, to a place where I felt safe ... (unfortunately, that was around the one's that loved me most) ... not able to maintain 'the lie' for one more second, I would relax my guard, my facade, and I'd BLOW at the very first opportunity and if there wasn't one offered to me, I'd make one happen. The excuses for my "Self Justified Emotional Explosions" could be anything from the laundry not being folded right, to dinner not being ready ... all insignificant things, yet offering an ignition source.
To try and explain the inner firestorm that went on in my brain ... imagine that you had a really bad, itchy rash all over your body and no matter what you did, it tormented you. You could get through your day, even though it was terribly uncomfortable, but it wore you out, utterly and completely wore you out. The first chance you got when you got home, away from society, you would scream!
Blowing is screaming, as unfair as it is, it is screaming in pain to try and feel better, and there is never any relief. This is the truly maddening part - the lack of hope, when faith and hope is gone, this creates hell locked within your mind, a pressure cooker with no way out, just endless mental torture. Yes, there is a lot of pressure to 'Blow Out' and if you are there, it is not pleasant and there is no way of figuring out when we will blow or how hard. There is nothing you can do to avoid it or lessen the probability or severity of the 'Blow Out.'
'Blowing' was an excuse for me to let out my frustration, raging at my fear of not knowing whether I was going to be able to maintain sanity and function in the world. This was, perhaps, one of my greatest fears ... the idea that one day I would just crumple up into a ball of emotional goo, staring at a wall and they will come and put me away. Terrifying, especially at times when you are so close to that edge that the possibility becomes real, in your head.
'Blowing' was a way to try and purge the self hate for being 'mentally ill', (a label that made me feel embarrassed and humiliated), for not being able to 'buck up' and get better. I looked at myself as a miserable loser, weak and undeserving to live, pathetic, defective and utterly useless.
In my active sickness, I believed that others around me, that loved me, would be better off without me, yet I needed them. There was the conflict. One on hand I needed their love and support, yet on the other, I had such a terrible opinion of myself, filled with such self hate and disgust, that it made me feel even worse to 'use them' as I felt I had nothing to offer, only taking. This guilt turned into shame, yet I needed and genuinely loved them. My relationships turned into hostages rather than loving exchanges ... I had, I believed, nothing to offer, only suck from them and this made me feel even worse about myself. I could not love, it was everything I could do - to survive ... it all had to be about me!
I remember reading the relationship section in Scott Peck's book, 'A Road Less Traveled' that if the subconscious mind despises your self, then, even though there may be real love present, the sub conscious mind must win, providing self talk like "You are such a loser, a useless pathetic loser and you will always be that way," and "If you really loved her, you would cut her loose" and eventually "There must be something wrong with her if she wants to be with me, maybe it's time to dump her ass." The last was the eventual trick to justify ending the relationship, to end the guilt.
OK, this is how I felt and still do from time to time. What can you do about it? Nothing. The only thing you can do is take care of you! I would recommend a couple things ...
1. Read 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. This will give you an incredible strength to remain in the present (focusing on the pain free NOW as opposed to the constant fear based future). Especially the chapter 'From Addictive to Enlightened Relationships.'
2. Start attending 'ALANON' support groups. The only requirement for membership is that you know of 'someone' that may have a drinking problem. Read between the lines ... it's all the same, it's always all about YOU ... how do you function in a dysfunctional relationship, how do you stay strong, healthy and happy IN-SPITE of a dysfunctional partner, how do you provide strength and real support for a dysfunctional partner, and how do you set reasonable boundaries for yourself, your sanity and well being - even happiness in the face of a dysfunctional relationship.When you take care of yourself, everything gets better. That old adage "You can't fix anyone but yourself" is true ... and I would suggest that you are as sick as he is ... this is normally the case ... as you have developed sick ways of dealing with life by reacting to your dysfunctional partner. In essence, you are part of the problem ... it's time you get strong, regain your power and by example, it may give strength and hope to the suffering partner. You may lead him, by your example, out of the darkness.
These are my thoughts. Hope they help.
Louie (uswalker)
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