Codepency from Both Sides of the Fence

The following is a response to a letter I received from a new friend concerned about dealing with her fiance's mental illness (Bi-Polar). This brought up some thoughts about codependency and Alanon which I wanted to share in my Blog.


Dear ______,

I never thought I had codependency issues, until my own son was having trouble and I was obsessed trying to help solve HIS problems. Obsessed, in that I could not stop thinking, worrying or talking about him. It was NOT acceptable to allow these problems to be happening in HIS life, yet the harsh reality was that it was HIS life and HIS problems.

I also learned that the more I tried to help, the more I allowed him to stay sick, actually enabling him to be sick a little longer. This is the hardest part ... not beating yourself up for realizing that you were actually part of the problem and held him back from HIS own recovery. I fight the guilt all the time, even with the total understanding that I was simply doing the best I could at the time. I know better now. Does it make it any easier - NO.

As I write to you, my stomach is just sick with worry about him, my 21 year old son, who is facing some real issues - having just dropped his last class in college, lost his girlfriend, scared to death of the world and has started drinking to self medicate his pain away. I have SO been there. From the support of many other people that have 'been there' I now understand what I need to do, or better said - not do.

I can be there for him. I can love him. I can assist him, IF he wants to work with the solution and try more approaches for HIS recovery. I can set healthy boundaries for myself. As I withdraw, with love, he sees that if there is going to be relief from his situation, HE is going to have to take the necessay steps - HE has to initiate the action. If he said, "Dad, I need help," and was willing to do the work, I'd get in the car and be there the next day to take him to an AA meeting. I can help him to help himself, but I can't, I won't be the object of his dysfuctional decisions and sick reactions to his disease.

My girlfriend, thank God, is a fellow Bi-Polar II club member. When I first met her, for 6 months, she politely listened to my woes as I suffered (genuinelly suffered) from depression and mania. She was sympathetic and supportive. She was a great listener. She shared openly about her disease and more importantly, her own recovery. She was the only light in a very dark tunnel for me. One day, that light went out.

After 6 months of listening to me describe my never-ending pain, she had had enough, and told me so, not in an angry way, more like an assertive confidant way. She told me that she didn't want to hear another word about my disease, but would listen forever about my recovery. She told me that there were many things I could do FOR myself, if I wanted to. She suggested, as she had on numerous occasions, nutrition, diet, excerize, counseling and working with different meds and docs, if necessary.

I was only taking my meds. I was stuck. I didn't realize it at the moment, but she was UN-sticking me at that very moment.

At first, I felt anandoned, scared and very alone. The pain got worse as I isolated even more. Eventually, since there was no one else to talk to about my condition, I realized that if anything was going to get better, I would have to step up to the plate and do SOMETHING? I wasn't sure, actually I knew exactly what I needed to do - all of the things she had suggested, BUT ... I was scared and I felt like I couldn't do anything to help myself. Depression can rob you of confidence and energy, but I had to try. I was dying.

It was definetely baby steps to start with, a handful of vitamins, a couple walks, a few glasses of water, a call to my Pdoc to talk about my meds and alternatives. Later, fueled by my own actions and the self-confidence that was building within, I added some more exercize, better nutrition, Omega 3 Oils, looking for a therapist and have even joined the local gym. I have learned that even though this disease is a life-threatening, powerful evil force that attacks me on all fronts; mind, body and spirit - it can be fought and recovery/remission is possible ... but it is hard work!

These days, feeling pretty good most of the time (and that can change dramatically from day to day), me and my girlfriend are very happy ... yet, she still won't listen to my crap for very long. This is good for me. This allows me to take control of my problems, my life and build self esteem and self confidence as I do.

One more word about Alanon ... it is possible that he might be threatened by your attending. I know I was when my ex wife started attending. I was always wondering what they were talking about - was she complaining about me? Was she getting strength and support to leave me? I watched, as she got stronger with more meetings, she was pulling away from babysitting me. This was threatening to me. But I learned the same lesson back then ... to help support me, but it was up to me to help myself.

She was dying - slowly dying and had had enough. I sure don't blame her. Her pulling away, helped me to finally hit bottom and get help, 25 years ago, into an alcohol treatment facility and decades of AA. I would, for many years afterward, take other hostages (relationships) to fill the role of babysitter. It is fairly common for addictive personalities to buddy up with codependent types - it's a perfect match (self absorbed addictive mess with a giving, loving, supportive codependent mate).

I have been on both sides of the fence now. This is why I so strongly recommend Alanon, for the addict and the mate/friend/family member.

I would also suggest that you try a few different Alanon meetings till you find one that fits. Some are *** sessions, with angry complaining spouses, friends or family. Most are not, but if you wind up at one where it is all negative - it can drive you away. I'd suggest you do that - drive away until you find one of the many wonderful, supportive groups. Keep looking till you find the right one. You'll know when you find them.

Hope this was helpful.

God Bless Us All.

Louie (uswalker) http://rochonsculpture.artspan.com/mbr_bio.php